My voice

I wonder if I have lost my personal voice. For years, probably 7 by now, I have usually kept quiet when it pertains to the matters and views of others, or at least answered their answers with a degree of ambiguity. Perhaps, I wish to avoid arguments. I am a person who despises arguments. And if I do start an argument, I find it fun and interesting to see another argue so passionately for his cause; so surely and justly for his opinion; it is really inspiring and motivating for me. I love stimulating others, be it into laughter, anger, sadness. It makes me feel alive.

Ethos, pathos, logos. All the aforementioned i use to try to bring out a certain value I want to see in a person. It's really beautiful as I said to be able to see into a person's personality.

But perhaps, this is why appear to have lost my voice. Deep inside, I have a fire that burns brighter than any flame I've seen. Sometimes it burns with hate, sometimes with passion, sometimes with hope, sometimes with joy. I have my opinions, but I for one has a very strong principle. I try my best to let others share their thoughts and opinions readily without any opposition from me.

On a side note, I think that I should still be more careful. I wish not to hurt others or make them feel comfortable. I guess from now on I must aspire to control my words. Yes yes. True true. My opinion does not really matter much anyway.(Ironic eh... there is a better way to explain this but I'm pretty tired now)

I often wonder if I should stand up and fight for my faith. Indeed I should. But there is no argument I can give against bad examples. I myself have been disappointed by so many people, myself included, that I do not blame those who doubt because of what they see. I am no advocate. I am no priest. I as an example, can hardly qualify as a benchmark of standards. However, the only thing I can do is offer words. THat is all I can do. This I have realised. I can only be a good friend. One a person can count on in a fight. One a person can count on to stand by his side.

If I could live in a fantasy novel, I'd rather be a protector of a lord or King. I'm no leader. I am flawed in so many ways, the hairs on my head cannot begin to count them. For one, the fire of hate in my heart burns brightly. Too brightly. I thank the Lord for his amazing grace that has brought me thus far, despite this gargantuan fallacy. How can I profess to love my neighbours when my heart still harbors a deep hate towards others who have forsaken me? It burns deeply.

But there is a saying. Sorrow and hate carve hollows in the soul that leave room for more joy. I believe this too. Wow. An opinion. Heh.

I sincerely pray that my friends in school live their lives to the best of their capability. That they might live fully and burn brightly and leave and impact on others' lives. May they excel in whatever endeavour they set their heart to. Whatever dream they hold in their heart. May they all live happily be it in marriage or not. May they live joyfully. May they find a purpose in their lives. May those who seek for something find it. May those who have lost something recover it. May those who would wish to change their lives change it.

As for me, I pray that I will live like a candle that burns bright and hot, be it long or short. And that if I die tomorrow or any day, I'll die with a smile on my face.

In the name of my Lord Jesus whom has never forsaken this unworthy sinner.
Amen.